Wednesday, January 28, 2009

fucking allergies

i can't stop sneezing. my under nose is raw. it hurts. not sure what set me off. two handkerchiefs later, all wet and gross, both of them, i think it's time for that beer. you know the one. the one i will nurse for an hour or two while watching house. illegally. while sneezing and sniffling. hopefully not into my beer. fucking allergies.

and why wont the billing office for my wonderful midwives call me about about accepting payment from my HSA. fucking... oh, whatever. beer.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


(the photo to the left has nothing to do with this post. the photo to the left is of possibly the cutest little girl EVER and her equally cute family. Her dad was playing the drum and she toddled over to play too. the photo to the left has nothing to do with this post, I just wanted to run this photo today. So i did. So there (i am sticking my tongue out at you now.)

What is it with pregnant people and butt sex?

Do couples wait until the puss is all sore to try the other hole?

Do people freak out that the baby will some day come out of the puss and might reach down and say hello to the male member during vaginal penetration?

Do men/ladies with harnesses take advantage of the "holy shit, my body is totally changing and why not, it can't hurt more than pushing a human head out of my cervix" mentality of the vessel/incubator/pregnant lady.

Or is it finally just OK to talk about digging butt sex -- cause you're pregnant, obviously engaging in some wholesome, regular kinda people stuff (parenthood, breeding, PTA)?

Inquiring minds want to know. Sounds like a job for Google. And Dan Savage.

depression or pregnancy

Mom: "How do you feel?"
Me: "I feel great."
Mom: "No morning sickness?"
Me: "Nope." Course, I don't tell her that 1/2 a beer cures all sickness, morning, noon or night.
Mom: (Inaudible) Something about if there was a god in heaven, fairness, etc.
Me: "I have to admit, thought that I've been tired." I relay to her my reluctant admission that if I was doing the incubation thing AND the 9 to 5 thing I would be a sad, sorry, zombie beast. "In Sunday between my nap on the couch and the following nap in bed, I stare into space for half an hour and I wondered: Am I depressed? Is this was depression feels like?"
Mom: (After the snorting, honking and gasping that passes for laughter in these situations)"No Jenny, you idiot, you're not depressed. You're pregnant. You'll snap out of it soon. And then you'll be on fire."
Mom: "I'm kinda afraid to see you on fire again."
Me:(Inherited cackle) I'll probably start another business! Cool!"
Mom: "Oh no. Maybe you should get back on the couch..."

That was yesterday. A day in which I was damn near ecstatic all day. A day in which I got a ton done. A day on which my butt hole was a bit sore (for a different post).

And today was similarly super-charged!

To quote Buffy (from Once More With Feeling) "I want the fire back!"

Sunday, January 25, 2009

also, i am tired

(Isn't Ross's MMMMermaid yumm! I like to call her the fat mermaid, cause she is. And she's YUMMY. I wonder just how big my boobs will get?)

Tired: I slept in. Read in bed. Found the gumption to go to the Berkeley Bowl (the horror!). Ate some pokki salad and some Annies cheddar bunnies. (Yum! and Really? I bought those again? Damn these carb cravings!)

Took a nap with Spider on the couch. He yawned a bunch after the first hour and his breath was so bad it inspired me to go upstairs, masturbate and take another nap. Cause fuck yoga. I'm a tired pregnant lady!

Finally perked up with a half cup of coffee and a walk with the dog.

And now, the working, or the procrastinating. The spell checking. The ginger chews. Yum!

eat for two, please and my lips are always dry in the morning

While I was in my car on the way to pick up Ross from his shop, I caught a snippet of an upcoming Health Dialogues radio program, "... we know a lot more than we used to ... start eating for two adults as soon as you know you're pregnant."

My ears pricked up, and I made a mental note: listen to this show! Cause the book my dear ol' mom gave me, that even she admitted is for the most part, extremely outdated, repeats again and again the need for women to NOT gain too much weight. To diet even.

It's written by a dude. For sure a much older man. There are dire warnings about "the weight you gain while you're pregnant may never come off" and he brings this topic up in just about every chapter, no matter what the subject matter. He did suggest eating for one and DRINKING for two, which my body for sure wants. The drinking for two, I mean. The water and tea and fruit juice. Yes.

I drink a bunch of water before bed. And I wake up at least twice to drink more. Yes, I pee once too... but it's the water I can't seem to get enough of. I pound it all day as well. Especially after a long hike or yoga. But still, pretty much every am my leetle lips are dry. So, I start the day with more water as well. And a pee. In and out. In and out.

Fat phobia: yes, me thinks.

Any-misogynist, happy to hear that I can eat MORE! Cause I am eating more.

To listen to: Health Dialogues:
Subjects are Kids Health, Breastfeeding, Hard to Reach Populations, Budget, In the Practice.

To read: More about genetic testing.

From BabyCenter (I finally signed up for it.)
"My Pregnancy This Week" -- 11 weeks baby. I have a 1.5 inch fig inside of me. Apparently, she's busy kicking and stretching. And someday soon, she'll be able to open and close her hands.

Unless she's a boy.

In the "quick links" section of the email I'm invited to read more about:
What cervical insufficiency means.

Dammit: insufficiency? Sheesh. Even better, now that I click though, the rest of the title of the piece is
(incompetent cervix). The below is from BabyCenter:

What does it mean to have cervical insufficiency?
If your cervix is softer and weaker than normal or is abnormally short to begin with, it may efface and dilate without contractions in the second or early third trimester as the weight of your growing baby puts increasing pressure on it. This condition — known as cervical insufficiency (sometimes called "incompetent cervix") — can result in second-trimester miscarriage; preterm premature rupture of the membranes (PPROM), in which your water breaks before you're full-term and before you're in labor; or preterm delivery (before 37 weeks). It particularly increases your risk for early preterm delivery, which means giving birth before 32 weeks."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

nt or amnio

My friend Kitty: (sent from her iPhone)
"i got the results back from the nuchal translucency. it was hella good! my chances for having a baby with downs were 1 in 155 before test, 1 in 3001 afterward. yeah!!"


Baby Center "Nuchal translucency screening"
"The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average.

"The NT scan must be done when you're between 11 and 14 weeks pregnant."

And more about screenings

"Screening tests can't tell you if your child actually has Down syndrome. Instead, they provide you with a ratio that expresses your baby's chances of having a problem, based on your test results and how old you are. This information may help you decide whether to undergo diagnostic testing.

"Diagnostic tests such as chorionic villus sampling (CVS) and amniocentesis can tell you with greater than 99 percent certainty whether your child has a chromosomal abnormality. These tests can identify several hundred genetic disorders by analyzing the genetic makeup of cells from your baby or placenta. However, both procedures carry a small risk of miscarriage."

From everything I've read, the screening tests seem like a way to:
1. ease your mind if the results are good
2. stress you out if they are anything else but very good
3. prove that western med. is fond of expensive, less-than-useful, stressful tests

1. most of the NT "positives" for genetic problems are false positives
2. the delay between the first "your baby is high risk for DS, etc." and the "actually, no, you have a healthy baby, and we were wrong about the due date" can be weeks — terribly stressful weeks.
3. due dates are often off! so test results are off!

I'm thinking I'll just wait until the amnio! I'd rather be sure and avoid unnecessary worry. I know I'll terminate if I have a DS or other big ol' chromosomal problem. So, yes, I should wait and be sure!

The Awakenings midwives pointed out that it can be hard for folks to make the call to terminate a 5 month old fetus... but since I would not likely be sure until the amnio, well, seems like this is the best way to go.

my vise-like puss

Forgot to write up one of my Xmas gifties from Ross. They are Luna Beads -- for strengthening my vaginal and pelvic floor muscles! Good for me, the baby, and yes, Ross!

Gotta wear them when I'm up and about, walking, hiking, doing dishes etc. Just putting them in makes the muscle groups tighten -- and whammo! I'm doing more than PC exercises. But as with any strengthening program, I have to keep at it. 30 minutes a day, for 10 weeks and then I/we will notice results.

But we've already noticed results:
Ross: Wow!
Jen: Can you feel that?
Ross: Wow!
Jen: You can?
Ross: Wow. (inaudible) Um. (inaudible) Yeah!

Thanks, Ross!

interview with the lovely lady midwives of awakenings

This is the midwives, home birthing group that my neighbor and friend Nicole worked with to deliver her 6 month-old (today!) daughter Piper. Everyone has described that event at "wonderful." And Nikki can't say enough good things about working with the women. Especially after a history of not being able to connect with OB/GYNs, let alone a very freaky experience of being hit on(??!!) while getting prepped for a termination. (EEWWWW)

So, to prepare for my interview, I talked over a few questions with Ross and set about researching on the ol' inter-webs for "questions you should ask your midwives" kinda lists. There are more than a handful of helpful websites out there, but here are the ones I referred to in order to come up with my own list:
* "Questions to Ask Your Careprovider"
Lots of questions, too many to ask in one sitting, really, that are divided into different categories -- which is very useful. Questions range all over the place, from: What is my due date? to How long has the doctor/midwife been in practice? and How soon after birth can/must I leave the facility? I picked and chose the questions I wanted to hear answered at my first interview.
Question: Why do alternative health websites use purple so damn much?

Gentle Birth: "Questions for Clients to Ask Midwives"
Starts off with a link to ABC's 20/20's coverage of orgasmic birth — which offers a clue or two about their readership and tone. Again, quite a list of questions separated into categories: Experience, Prenatal Care, Hospital and Obstetrician, General Labor, Financial Matters, The Baby. These questions were compiled by the author (Ronnie Falcao, LM MS, a homebirth midwife in Mountain View, CA) and her partner.

Estronaut: A Forum for Women's Health: "Questions to Ask a Midwife"
And... these questions are in a hot pink font. Just the highlight questions, so a good list to start with and add to. Also, the list seems to be a bit out-dated as it refers to "beepers."

AC: Health and Wellness: "Questions to Ask a Midwife While Pregnant"
Twelve questions, with a short introduction. The site suggests a major publication rather than a CodePink lady is behind the design. Which, well, makes it feel different than the other sites referenced. Another good starting place. Don't avoid the purple/pink/womyn sites, just be sure to edit the questions to fit YOUR needs. That's what I did.

Monday, January 19, 2009

time for a bra, and an ob appointment

My boobs are still making me and my man very happy. The tiny little cotton bra tops from American Apparal no longer can contain "the girls." When I wear the "small" that I have worn every day for 4 years, the bottom hem doesn't even come close to touching my rib cage. and the tri kinda top cuts across my massive bosoms in a way that suggests growing out of a training bra.

The medium and large size kinda work. Which is awesome. Cause, no longer small.

BUT: they just don't offer enough support. Walking quickly across the street means I'm wrapping one arm around my chest. This has never happened before. As a senior in HS I once ran, trapped, kicked and jumped my way through varsity soccer practice with no running bra, no bra, no support at all.

As my coach at the time said: "Bra, you don't need a bra. Get on the field!" Yelled loudly enough for the boy's football team to hear (nothing they didn't know already) in a thick Dutch accent, maybe while twirling his long, white mustache. Ah, Mr. Bamburger! (Not sure how to spell it!)

I think it's time for bra. A real bra. For a Woman. He he he.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

some catholics don't know their doughnut hole from their asshole

This kind of thing makes me happy to be alive in these crazy ass times: "Pro-Life Group up in Arms over Krispy Kreme's Abortion Doughnuts."

I had considered driving up to Pinole on Inauguration Day, just to waltz into the nearest Krispy Kreme and get me a glazed doughnut. Now, I'm committed to the idea.

In fact, I'm gonna campaign for the idea. Carpool. Caravan. Get as many folks there as possible. And probl'ly buy a bunch of stuff that will make me feel sick.

It seems that rather than being a rather profitable (at the expense of the health of its customers) chain doughnut shop, Krispy Kreme is really a baby-killing, family-hating, godless, liberal tool, um, of the devil.

They're giving out the free Krispy Kreme of "your choice" and therefore, we're all going to hell.

Here's what KK says in their bloodsplattered press release that also says "murder murder murder" when you read it backwards:

"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American's sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies -- just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet 'free' can be."

And now I'll just poach from the article:

"Well, The American Life League noticed the liberal use of the word choice and decided to blast the chain bakery for producing abortion doughnuts.

'The unfortunate reality of a post-Roe v. Wade America is that 'choice' is synonymous with abortion access, and celebration of "freedom of choice" is a tacit endorsement of abortion rights on demand,' the group's president, Judie Brown said in a statement.'"

End of poach.

And end of sanity.

Gotta love those coo-coo catholics.

Gotta love me some KK.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

exploding coconuts

Ross says he needs a machete. I think we did OK with the hatchet. True, we did practice on the coconut that I bought back before Xmas. it was kinda moldy on the outside where it had been husked (do coconuts have husks? I don't think they have peels, so, yes husk it is!).

We removed the plastic, poked at the kinda rotten part and I directed Ross's initial hatchet strikes.

"Try to cut off the peak. That's how Lee did it. She cut off the peak with just a few strikes and then we drank the juice. But you have to make the hole big enough for us to get spoons in there too!"

He whacked. I watched. Then I demanded the hatchet.

"Fuck it," I said, as I delivered a direct, down the center from the top where we had removed the damn peak only to find a think hard shell underneath.

"EEEK," then I said as a geyser of slightly past its prime coconut juice sprayed me in the face, arms and chest.

We did better on the second, more recently purchased coconut.

The juice really does taste like it's doing something good for your body as soon as it hits your lips. Also, dessert in liquid form is a good thing!

The meat is delish as well. We're calling it good cholesterol for Ross and I know it's all good for me and the lima bean.

When Nicole was preparing for labor her midwives (and her months of research) had her husband Sander out at Asian markets in Fruitvale (way across Oakland, but worth it 'cause the Berkeley Bowl closes early and we all know that Whole Foods is known as "Whole Paycheck) buying up grande cans of coconut juice. Better than my mom's Gatorade or my drinking buddies' Emergen-C, this stuff is natural, fresh and damn near the best liquid for ya — especially if "ya" is in labor, just finished with labor or transitioning into the milk factory stage.

Yay for the yum factor and for the practice factor.

We might want to get that machete, though.

Tomorrow: My first meeting/interview with the midwives!

Friday, January 9, 2009

itchy boobs, sunny wine and a cheese plates

And then there was sunshine!

Yay for the Bay Area. Today was the kind of day the inspires cute outfits, productivity and big fat smiles. A sunny Friday after days of wearing a down vest in my house and heading to yoga in order to escape to cold had me heading out to San Fran to shop and chat with my BFF, photographer Natalie.

Though I planned to BART the weather was just too nice, and because there was no traffic, I stayed on the freeway, sailed through the toll and parked at 16th and Valencia. (It was hard to take the left on Valencia instead of the right where I would have parked and headed into Zeitgeist for a cold beer in the backyard. Ah, summer, can't wait.)

I met up with Natalie at one of my favorite stores ever: Five and Diamond described by a fan as: "Wild West meets apocalypse meets the future in space meets the sexy rebel militia, a combination embodied by a pair of bloomers." I can't pull off a shoulder holster or a leather garter belt w/ leg holster, but I love that there are ladies that can.

Today: Massive sale. Special order gold spiral plugs. So cute.

Check out the awesomeness that is the mini tote they send home with your purchase! Love the color. I think I need plugs that color...

And Nat found a belt she liked, I snatched it up and even though she protested I gave her a happy birthday and got it for her. I have to go back for more 25 % off ear rings. Feeling selfish this week. And loving it.

After the five minute shopping spree (Nat and I know how to get in and out fast, perfected back in the day of the "ladies lunch/bar crawls") we nabbed a sidewalk table at Ti Couz. With the sun not quite beating down, cute stretchy, striped, sexy ladies at the next table and a just attentive enough wait-staff, we enjoyed some wine and a cheese plate. On-hold are the days of cocktails (yes multiple) but sipping on a glass of not-too-sweet white wine and debating my next cheese/fruit/bread bite satisfied any of my longings for drinking up a storm on a sunny day.

But lady, I ate a lot of cheese. This morning's dried fruit bonanza was all but neutralized. Prunes and dried apricots for dinner? Yes, cause I don't want no hemorrhoids.

Status: I think I'm just beginning my 9th week. Lima bean here you come!

Next week: My first midwives appointment/interview. And the following week I'll meet with a Certified Nurse Midwife who will hook me up with an OB for the big genetics test and 20 week sonogram.

Classic Complaints:
Boobs. Itch. And so does my tummy. I blame in on all the growing they're doing. And I remember having to leave class in college to rub lotion on my doubling A boobs when I was on the pill (that growth spurt really didn't last very long, not worth the stretch marks I got at 18) but this looks and feels different. More like a rash or hives. Oh joy. The yoga doesn't help the itch. But it sure helps the rest of me.

But no yoga today. Stupid Friday schedule.